Iâm not sure how to talk about it without going into specifics. Iâm not sure if going into specifics would even help. I absolutely hate the idea of adding negativity to the blockchain, which is why, on hard days I often retreat and donât blog, or comment at all, but I also know I need some way to process all this. And writing seems like a positive way if there ever was one.
When Iâm stressed I break out, and then unconsciously while working, or doing something else that takes up my conscious brain, I pick. So my face is covered in spots and sores. Itâs an awful nervous tick, goes back to when I was a kid, and Iâm trying to beat it, but this hasnât been the week for self-improvement. Iâve never been one for vanity, but when you donât look-like yourself, or feel self conscious in public, having to worry about putting on makeup just to run to the shop. Meh. Itâs not the end of the world, but it weighs on me mentally and trashes my confidence.
Itâs hard to want to even take care of yourself when youâre in survival mode. I feel like anything other than âworkâ is a luxury I canât afford. Maybe on some level I feel like, if i give 10000%, and things still donât work out, than at least I can minimize the blame I accept for the way things are. The truth is, sometimes life just shows up with a big olâ- EF YOU. And itâs not your fault. Maybe I treat it like it is, and thatâs why Iâm so hard on myself. It doesnât matter really, all I know is that I worked a crazy amount of hours across all my clients this week, (to the point where I had to get approval to go over my weekly limit with them) and it still wasnât enough.
Both of our anxieties are off the chart, weâre trying to be predictive while also being there for one another, and trying to keep up with current clients and trying to reach out to possible new ones, just to get that monthly up, so weâre not out on our asses. It sucks when the game changes on you. Like a transaction that youâre forced to enter into, We donât live lavishly or above our means, every bit of extra cash we get goes to upgrading our kits so we can do more work and higher quality work. To make things a little easier for two creatives who are video editing, blogging, doing voice-overs, designing, animating, steemit-ing with limited resources in a limited space with limited time together and limited funds and limited options.
Yep, thatâs how weâre feeling. Limited.
âI believe it is better to be kind, than correct. I believe in gratitude, respect, and honesty. I believe in making good things better, and leaving things better than the way I found them."
From my website. I think itâs important to communicate to anyone who may want to work with you, who you are and what you stand for, rather than rattling off a bunch of skills and software proficiencies.
And thatâs all either of us really want. To leave this planet, and those weâve come into contact with, in a better place than we found them. To expend our life energy giving rather than taking, and it would be really damn nice if we could do that together, rather than apart.
Once youâve found the person you feel your heart has always been looking for, itâs so incredibly hard to be apart, to be doing life separate from each other. But there are boarders, and finances, and visas and a whole host of âsystemâ things that may seem like easy no-brainers for some folks (just make MORE money right??) but for us it forces us into living (or at least participating) in lives that break us mentally, physically and creatively.
Weâve both been burnt by trying to force resolutions in a system that was built to favor other types of folks, but weâre not afraid to work, get our hands dirty, and do what needs to be done. So whereâs the middle ground? Whereâs the disconnect? If hard work and a bit of intelligence was all that was needed to live freely, we wouldnât be here.
I donât know what the answer is. Iâm really fighting to not only completely give up but to carry on with a heart of gratitude. (Funny how my post earlier this week may have been setting me up for the anxiety that was to follow - I think Iâve re-read that post about 10 times trying to remind myself whatâs important).
Iâm not sure how to end this post. Because I donât have an ending, the next 22 days are still writing themselves. We may be here, we may not be but at least weâll be together, and I canât imagine going through this from an ocean part. Iâve got work, which Iâm incredibly grateful for, and I know some funds bring us options for the ifs-and-whens.
We've got a few eggs, and a glowy salt lamp and wifi.
Deep breath Dayle....
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